Best intentions. Yep! I intended to write a blog series about my life as a Fantasy Football Mom, and actually, I meant to write blog posts about a lot of things. In all fairness, I have spent countless hours composing stories in my head. I do my best work while jogging with my two dogs or in the car driving to and from work. These activities, however, are not conducive to putting pen to paper, and when the rare opportunity to write does present itself, either my creative juices have been squeezed dry, or the words have already left my head. This morning, however, I find I do have a few minutes to sit with my computer (uninterrupted, mind you), which is great because I have some big news to share! Guess what? Drum roll, please! I have superpowers!
I have no idea why it took me so long to recognize my superpowers? No that is not true. I do know why. For years, I thought everyone else (AKA, the other member of my household), were just being lazy or didn’t care, but last night, I had an epiphany! My sweet housemates are not lazy or thoughtless; they simply do not have my superpowers. Talk about an “Oprah, ah-ha” moment! Mind blowing, for sure! Not convinced I have superpowers? Let me give you a few examples:
Superpower #1: Supervision
My eyesight is amazing! There are things in my house that only I can see. For example, just yesterday, my dog, Moose, shredded a toy and spread its stuffing over various surfaces of the main level. None of the boys in my house could see it. Crazy, right? They stepped over and around the piles of stuffing utterly oblivious to their existence. The boys also can’t see the ice cubes that fall to the floor when they fill their cups from the freezer, empty food containers and boxes in the refrigerator or pantry, or the crumbs and spilled liquids on the countertops and chunks of food in the sink when “cleaning” the kitchen after dinner. Dirt and dust also make the list of things that only I can spot. When I think about it, there are so many other items I can add to this list, but you get the gist. I can see things that others can’t because I have Supervision!
Superpower #2: Superhearing
Let’s cut to the chase on this one. Here is a list of the things, past, and present, that only I can hear: babies crying in the middle of the night; kids coughing up a lung or puking all over the carpet (also in the middle of the night); dogs barking in the yard; dog scratching at the door to come in; said dog banging the bells to go out; cuss words in rap music; the volume on the television and/or the radio playing at a level that does not pose a risk to blowing out one’s eardrums; the fire detector’s low battery signal at 2:00 a.m.; the sound of silence and so on and so forth.
Does any of this sound familiar? It is likely that you too may have the same superpowers! Read on.
Superpower #3: Superpacking powers
This superpower, I have known about for quite awhile. Few people can pack a dishwasher as I can. The same goes for loading luggage into the car for a road trip, bagging groceries, and placing items into the trunk after a Costco run. I think this is why dishes that I didn’t use sometimes do not make it into the dishwasher. My boys are intimidated by my loading prowess! Who said having superpowers doesn’t have its drawbacks?
Superpower #4: Supercloser
My husband also has this power, but his ability applies to a career in sales, browbeating me into giving in and letting him buy what he wants, and back in the pre-Beth days, sealing the deal, if you know what I mean. My Supercloser power applies to my aptitude for closing food containers that have been left open in my pantry. Now that I think about it, maybe the boys do not see the boxes of cereal or the bags of bread and chips that are left open because they do not have Supervision? No. I have had a rough week I want credit for this superpower too. To avoid hosting Sunday brunch for every mouse within a 5-mile radius of my pantry, I use my Supercloser powers to roll down bags of cereal and chips and tie shut the bag of sandwich bread. I may not save the world, but I can save my home from being condemned.
Superpower #5: Superpreparedness
Who is freezing their tail off at an outside event in the winter? Not me! I have a talent for checking the weather app on my phone and dressing accordingly. One would think there is no way this could be a superpower, but they are wrong. Drive by an outdoor soccer game or an elementary school during recess in the winter months, and you will see what I mean. I pick comfort any day of the week over being cool (this also applies to my less than fashionable, fashion choices)!
Superpower #6: Superaverage
I believe that every superhero has one universal character trait, humbleness. Yes, I listed five things I am good at doing, and I have spent the better part of this blog bragging about myself, but there are a lot of things I can’t do, won’t do, or do not do well. I believe this is important to mention because I do not want to give anyone the impression that I am without character flaws. I have an incredible husband and wonderful family members and friends who do things in their day-in and day-out lives that are mind-blowing. My list of superpowers compared to theirs is, for lack of a better word, average. Which is one reason why I end my list with Superaverage because when it comes to being average, I am exceptionally good at it! Let me give you a few examples.
In all aspects of my physical appearance, I am spot on average. With the exception of basketball in which I totally suck, I’d say I am an average athlete. As much as I hate to admit it, my grades in high school and college were, um, average. If you were to drop by my house without notice and do a spot check on its cleanliness, I’d bet you’d say it was okay; it didn’t pass the white glove test, but the lack of rodents and cockroaches was a good sign. At a shopping event back in October, I saw a shirt that read, “Average Wife.” I think about that shirt a lot, and for the life of me, I can’t understand why I didn’t buy it? I mean, it was so me! When my oldest was in kindergarten, I asked his teacher, who had years of experience and whose son was getting ready to graduate from high school, to give me some advice on raising children in this hypercompetitive Blue Valley School District. She told me to, “Shoot for the middle.” I almost peed my pants with excitement hearing that advice! “Shoot for the middle!” I’d been doing that my whole life! This parenting thing was going to be a snap! Or so I thought. Anyway, you get the point. I am so good at being average that I sort of make it look easy. But it is not easy. It is a superpower!
Having superpowers comes with great responsibility. Knowing when to use my powers and when to force the issue, is a constant battle I fight. Until I can perfect my methods, however, telling myself that the reason why dishes are left in the sink or the countertops are not wiped off is due to the fact that my crew lacks Supervision and Superpacking superpowers, makes me feel better and prevents me from going Supercrazy. And this, my friends, is a good thing!